


What's wrong with me?

by Blank_Is_typing



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, i never know how to tag things, possible depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 09:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17343146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blank_Is_typing/pseuds/Blank_Is_typing
Summary: Jeongin is scared, what's happening?, why does he feel this way? All of this pain and his hyungs don't know how to help him.





	What's wrong with me?

Jeongin didn't know what was happening to him. 

 

It had all started a week into December, something felt off. Like everything around him just dulled. He talked for less time than normal, sometimes it even hurt to open his mouth. He didn't see it as a problem though.

The same thing happened last year, and the year before that. It always went away and never returned till next year. Sometimes he would have his moments but they never lasted long enough to cause concern.

Of course his hyungs noticed immediately the first time it happened but every time they asked the maknae almost didn't know what they were talking about. He thought it was going to be like last time, a little strange but not anything that would interfere with his life. Like it always was. He thought about telling someone before but he could tell the others had struggles much worse than his, even if they didn't want to admit it. He could tell when they were hurting, and he hated that they didn't tell anyone.

This year was so much worse.

He started to get concerned when he could only eat a few bites of dinner before feeling like if he ate anymore he would throw up. He thought that was a little odd, but just figured it was an off day. He went to sleep as soon as he sat on his mattress, against his own wishes. They had a day off soon and he wanted to get his work done early to have time to play.

Those plans were quickly snatched on the long awaited day.

Jeongin had been so excited to hang out with his members that day, he was also hoping to eat more than a few pieces of food as well. He woke up later than he wanted to, but he hadn't been able to sleep well for the past few days, so he didn't think it was a red flag. When he heard his other members awake just outside the room, something told him to stay where he was. He would've expected to need to eat or use the bathroom at some point, but the urges never came to him. It was like he was dead. When his members came in to check in on him, his fake sleeping had turned into him actually falling asleep, multiple times.

When he actually looked at the time for once he realized he had slept through the whole day and only had a few hours before he had to go to sleep again. He wanted to talk to his members for a few minutes but his body wouldn't let him leave the bed. Whenever he felt like this he always read extremely sad books or horror stories he found on his phone, they provided some twisted form of comfort. 

 He was pretty thrown off after that, He had been a day ahead mentally ever since and wasn't able to sleep until it was it was time to wake up. This continued for about a week without him thinking he needed to tell anyone.

He got really scared when the stories he read almost seemed pleasant to him. Ones where someone would cut someone else just to watch the blood flow from their body, ones where people would starve themselves just because they liked the feeling of their stomach caving in on itself. But that didn't make him a psychopath.

He wanted to do it to himself.

He purposely avoided any offers of food, he almost got a strange form of energy from his food deprived state. Every sharp object started to appeal to him, whenever someone even mentioned a knife or a cut his arms started to itch, like the only thing that would calm him down would be a cool piece of metal sliding across his skin. The blood dripping down his arms, soothing the burning feeling he felt. 

But it would go away soon right?

He stood in the bathroom of their apartment. One of the sharp knifes from the kitchen in his hand. He lightly pressed the sharp blade into his skin. The way his skin started to try and move around the blade was so satisfying to him, one swipe and the beautiful metal would be stained with the crimson of his own blood. 

That's when he realized what he was doing.

The strange connections his mind always made had led him to think about what would happen if he bled too much and his heart slowed to a stop. Jeongin had obviously thought about death but he was never one to act on anything and it always snapped him from any thoughts he had about harming himself. 

He quickly took the knife from his arm and unlocked the bathroom door. 

What was happening to him?

He'd never felt like this before and he didn't like it. He slowly made his way to the kitchen, careful to not wake the leader who had fallen asleep on the couch.

Sadly he wasn't fast enough.

His leader stirred and woke up from his light sleep,"What are you doing up this late Jeonginnie?" 

The boy quickly hid the knife behind his back,"I just needed some water, my throat is dry."

The once groggy leader was fully awake when he caught the glimmer of metal behind the maknae,"What are you hiding?"

Knowing there was no use in trying to hide the object from the diligent hyung he showed him the blade while crying.

Chan looked at him confused and scared, what was he doing with a knife?

Suddenly the maknae broke down in tears, dropping the knife down at his side as he slowly fell to the floor. "Make it stop," he said curling into a ball and clutching his ears as if trying to silence screaming that didn't exist.  

Chan sprung into action as soon as the boy started crying. Taking the blade and placing it on the nearby table before holding on tightly to the crying figure. "Make what stop?"

"All of it, It was supposed to be gone by now,"He said crying into the leaders shoulder.

"What was?" He asked growing concerned. 

"The thoughts, the urges, the sadness."

The leader felt his heart shatter,"Do you have depression?"

"Yes? No? I don't know, and that's what scares me," he sniffled.

"Is that why you've been acting so strange?" he felt the younger nod into his shoulder.

"I'm usually back to normal by now, it's never been this bad."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"You all are going through your own things. It hurts me that you don't tell anyone so I said I would when it got bad but I didn't think it was."

"No matter what we're going through we will always be able to help you. Do you understand?"

He just nodded. "Hyung?"

The leader hummed signalling that he could ask the question.

"If you all knew I was acting strange, why didn't you ask me about it?" he asked confused, they wouldn't leave him alone if he didn't tell them about school even if nothing happened.

"We were scared," Chan said, throat dry, causing his voice to crack,"Whenever we did try to ask last time, you seemed to forget that you didn't talk for 12 hours and stared at a single point on the wall for 3." 

His head tilted,"I did?"

"See, we couldn't help you if you don't even remember what you did, so we just watched......and let it get worse," he sounded guilty, like it was his fault he felt this way.

"It's not your fault hyung, I should've told you about it when it happened the first time."

"If you feel like this again, you have 8 hyungs that can help you through it, even if we don't know what it is. We'll help you find out together," he messed with his hair.

For the first time in a month, a smile spread across Jeongins face. He felt happy, and even if it was just for a moment he considered it a victory. 

 


End file.
